Many of us know what it is to have a family member or other who has an addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography and the like. We watch them struggle day after day, getting deeper into it and going to greater extremes with it. It's not a question of whether or not a problem actual exists – it's why a lot of people prefer to slide deeper into the muck instead of getting the help they need that's hard to understand. Take this true story for example.

The oil industry was the only job Mike ever knew. He'd spend weeks he'd offshore, get paid, and blow every penny up his nose or shoot it up his arm. He did this all of his life. Even an 8-year stretch in prison for armed robbery didn't do him a bit of good. The day of his release he celebrated by getting high. Today he's over 50 years old and doesn't have a house, a car, or even a sandwich to put into his belly. His mother, rest her soul, didn't have the heart to put him out on the streets, thinking that to be cruel. Instead she allowed him to get high in a back bedroom of her home day after day – meanwhile hiding all her jewelry, sleeping with her checkbook, and nailing anything to the floor that might be stolen and pawned. There was a time here and there when she'd get brave enough to put him out – after he'd hocked her $400.00 TV, stolen her credit cards, and ran up charges out the wazoo. But fearing he wouldn't last long on the streets, she'd allow him to return. And again she'd hide her possessions as best she could and sleep with her checkbook.

At the time of her death she had nothing left of value to pass on to her loved ones because he had stolen all she that had except for a few worthless nicknacks. And where is Mike today? Making his way from one ignorant, drug-addicted woman to another, having them buy his food, his clothes, his drugs, etc. He can't work anymore because no one will hire him in the physical condition he's in. The drugs have long since won the war over his body. And he's too proud to get a small job at a fast-food restaurant or something of that nature. He'd rather live off of women. And he sure knows how to find the right ones. His family has come to realize that no matter how many places they take him for treatment, or how many talks they have with him, or who has to die pennyless because of him, they simply cannot save him. Only he can save himself and this doesn't appear to be of any interest to him.

If you have a family member or loved one in need of help today, don't do as this family did and make it worse by not dealing with it properly from the beginning. Because of the love they felt and the hurt certain actions would have caused them, they allowed more harm to come than good by not taking any action at all. You are going to hurt for your problem person no matter what you do so you might as well do the right thing and take a chance on actually saving them. Believe it or not, it is not as easy to have someone committed as you might think.

First, if you don't have insurance, you will have to find a state hospital that will take them and that's when and where they have room. Second, even if you do have insurance to get them into a private facility, you still have to prove that they are a danger to themselves or somebody else, (suicide or murder) otherwise they cannot be held. Simple claims of a drug or other addiction just won't cut it. Still, you are not totally helpless here. There are some very important steps you can take on your end that just might make all the difference in the world. The most important thing is to understand that you will not be able to save someone who does not want to be saved. But neither should you be destroyed right along with them. It's not only your right to keep your peace and happiness, it's your responsibility as well.

Keep in mind that the road you are about to embark on will not be an easy one – emotionally that is. You may have to end up taking certain actions that will cause you great sorrow or pain and you may even begin to feel like the coldest person in the world – but that's OK. You're actually supposed to feel this way. Your heart should never become hardened to the point that you are not bothered by the actions you may have to take. At the same time your heart should never become so weak that it keeps you from taking the appropriate actions altogether. In the end it will be better to find comfort knowing you did everything you could rather than guilt over not doing anything at all. So here we go:

First, recognize if there really is a problem. It won't go away just because you chose to ignore it.

Second, a 'talk' is needed with the person in trouble and the laws of the jungle established. This is so that there will be no misunderstandings later on down the line with regard to certain actions on your part that may come into play. Advise them straight up that you are aware of what is going on but that you will not be a part of it – neither will you sit by in ignorance of it. Tell them that they must seek treatment or some kind of professional assistance for their problem immediately. If they fail or refuse to do so they will force you to remove yourself from the situation completely. You will no longer give them money – which you've probably been doing for awhile now – nor will you put them up by feeding them, buying their clothes, paying their bills, or caring for them in any way or by any means which will allow for them to continue living with their precious addiction. And if they live with you, then it's time for them to find a new residence. Don't be afraid to put them out on the street if it calls for it. It's only when a person gets so low in the mire that they actually begin to want a change. But this will never happen if you keep stepping in the way and rescuing them.

If you want scripture to back this one up here it is: 1 Cor. 5:5 – deliver such a one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. If they steal from you, you will press charges and have them arrested. And once in jail you will not take their calls nor put up bail to get them out. The time in jail will allow them the time they need to give serious thought to their situation. No, you are not abandoning them. You are showing them that they are in trouble and that their behavior is unacceptable on all levels. You will not invite them for supper on Sunday with the rest of the family even if it's a holiday. You will not invite them to bingo or other and pay their way as a treat, or take them camping with the rest of the family, etc. You will not do anything that may give them reason to believe that you are not serious about their problem and the consequences it will surely bring.

What you will do is stick to your guns no matter how much it hurts or how much you are made to feel like a cold-hearted person. You have a responsibility here – both to yourself and to your loved one. And if you really love them, you will do what is right no matter how difficult it may be. It doesn't matter if they don't understand your intentions or your actions. If they understood anything anyway, they'd understand that they are on a very serious path toward destruction and don't seem to give a single care about that, themselves, or you! Get help from a support group if you need. You are not alone in this situation and you can do this. Addiction is a common problem among families. It's a common problem period. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. Deal with it head on and whatever you do – don't back down. Your actions are very important, even saving a loved one's life. God bless you.

Tee Michaels
March, 2007